I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
