my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
