if only i could text you this smell
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
