Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize