trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
