Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
