Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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