when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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