I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
