I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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