He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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