You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
