i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
