Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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