I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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