we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
