i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
