I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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