Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
