You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
