my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
