Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
