GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
