in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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