End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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