Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
