I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
