I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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