oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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