Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
