you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
