I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize