Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
