I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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