i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
