I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
