Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
