I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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