Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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