she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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