I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
