Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
