I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
