i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
