my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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