oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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