i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
