well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize