Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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