he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
