bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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