Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
