I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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