I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
