Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
