There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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