Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
high people should be assigned attendants
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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