i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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