Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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