You just made me feel so damn special
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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