So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
